Eurovision 2018 and 'Breaks-It'

Our British entry this year has previously sung for Belgium in Eurovision 2015. Why they have gone down in the world who knows but someone somewhere along the line has been fired from an incompetent job. ‘SuRie’ (who maybe has been unemployed for three years) describes Eurovision as an incomparably joyous energy, following on from some drug-filled delusion behind stage perhaps. Blatantly miming, as of all the entrants, she was robbed of her microphone onstage by a protester who wanted his T-shirt and his views to be seen live on telly, throughout some poor, impoverished regions in Europe and perhaps Liechtenstein. Apparently this protester didn’t like the ‘nazis’ of the uk media – wanting freedom and to stop a dreadful song. Northern Irish talk show host Stephen Nolan also claimed the same stage invader crashed his programme last year. He has been more busy than SuRie then.

One of the writers of her song has even more experience than the stage crasher though – writing music for Masterchef – how did we ever lose? We can’t blame brexit for doing so badly though – the two being linked would be madness. Terry Wogan has to be blamed for it and for Brexit. His scathing wit surely came straight from Satan’s breakfast bowl.

The magical music show was good for Christians and Jews though – Israel won the entire competition. The winning entry was a chicken song, with lyrics about barbie and pikachu – but with an important message: “the awakening of female power and social justice, wrapped in a colourful, happy vibe."

Even if Jesus was our entry though, we probably would have lost. Not because of Brexit or Terry Wogan, but because our songs are bad. Bring back LuLu, that’s what I say.

In the end though: Who wins who loses? No one cares.