I smell like crisps

I have eaten crisps today. I must have metabolized them by now, but I didn't expect them to be coming out of my armpits. You are what you eat, as they say. I must therefore have a couple of burgers and a pizza lurking inside me somewhere.

Sweat is supposed to attract the opposite sex, but who decides what is the correct smell? Should I be eating ready salted or prawn cocktail? I think it depends on what sort of woman you are after. A classy woman would require a superior blend of spices with potato, whereas a more common brand of woman would just go for the scampi fries they no longer sell in pubs. I think I should try for a balanced diet myself, so that dogs don't eat me and so that people do not take one sniff and run away screaming.