MARTIN R TEMPLE

Anteaters:

These animals although having a restricted variety of diet must surely have the easiest dinner available.  There are billions of ants, and they’re so small they can’t really expect to beat an anteater in a fight.  And their noses are huge.  What they do with them when they’re not sniffing out ants is unknown.  They must get in the way when they’re trying to turn in circles or when brushing their teeth.

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Aeschylus the Tank Engine:

A concept that boggles the mind.  A tragic poet becoming the tank engine formally known as Thomas.  Presumably he would develop a penchant for rhyme and dismal, depressing thought.  He would sing I suppose on the tragedy of Railtrack, bad business and the lateness of modern trains in Britain, that is if he could remove his thoughts from the terrible state of Greece in Europe and the death of their culture.  What would modern children watching the program think?  Brain-death might result.

 

Artichokes:

You can only eat a very small portion of artichokes.  Imagine if you will that you were an animal which could only eat artichokes.  You would spend all day trying to invent the knife so that you could chop it up into pieces that were edible.  And then you’d have to find another, because one artichoke renders into a tiny piece, clearly not enough for a starter let alone a main course and dessert.  I think you even have to boil them.  This vegetable has evolved well not to be eaten.  In a few thousand years they along with cockroaches will be the only things living on earth.

 

Atkins Diet:

Eating bacon sandwiches for every meal makes you lose weight?  Sure if you do ten marathons every day.  There are a lot of different types of food and food groups, so limiting yourself just to bacon is both boring and unimaginative.  God put lots of different foods on the earth, including many herbs and spices so you could eat different things.  I’m not sure a lot of herbs and spices go with bacon.  And even if you do put a bit of sage on your sandwich it will not help you in your weightwatchers classes.

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ASMR:

In China, of all places, where life is strict and there are many laws, naturally the government takes an interest in the internet and what is on it.  There are videos of ladies eating ice, so that those who watch get a nice tingle on the back of their necks, ostensibly to help them get to sleep.  Along with whispering, tapping, the gentle scratching of a microphone, the unique sound of hair being brushed or skin being stroked – the sound of ice cubes crunching against teeth is a common trigger for ASMR, and the millions of people worldwide who experience the sensation.  This however will not be allowed much longer. It is wrong.

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Boils:

Do you get boils when you boil yourself?  No.  You get burnt.  And why were they so prevalent in the medieval ages and not much so now.  Life has become considerably easier if you think that now the most common skin ailment is acne.  Although teenagers complain about it, it really isn’t that serious a condition.

 

Bonhomie:

This is a French word we really don’t need.  Good man does it mean?  Just say it in English.  I think it’s supposed to mean being kind to one another.  But homie sounds a little gay.  Personally I prefer to use English words (which has descended from norse and german) instead of nicking French words which don’t sound at all like English ones.  They have ‘Faire du Babysitting’ which is fairly straight forward, but why don’t we and they invent our own words for things like when first the language was developing.  Its just lazy.

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Bio-Oil:

This sounds artificial.  It also sounds natural.  It has to be one though, not both.  It is supposed to rid the body of unsightly marks caused mainly by too many burgers.  It is expensive and it also doesn’t work.  Maybe they don’t know what they have created.  It could be dangerous.  This stuff should be banned.

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Come-By:

Shepherds love shouting and whistling at dogs, even if it has no known effect.  Dogs are supposed to chase sheep and with a little luck can herd them into a small pen.  Shouting ‘Come By’ at collie dogs could mean any number of things and trusting the dog to understand it is pushing the limits of belief.

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Constipation:

Where does the food obstruct the bowel?  It definitely gets stuck somewhere.  Theoretically, if you get constipated to the Nth degree, you will either get very fat or it will go up your throat and out of your mouth.

Not a pleasant thought.

 

Coppers:

Why is a type of metal not used by the police, mean both of them?  It is also named for 1ps and 2ps.  If you paid policemen in coppers they’d probably turn to crime.  I understand that coppers are a cheap metal that everyone can dig up themselves (or can they?  I don’t think they are any copper mines near where I live.)  I aswell as others don’t have much truck with copper coins.  They are no use for anything apart from charity.  Apart from paying for 1 penny sweets they are useless.  And these you normally buy more than one of.  So get rid of them and keep out of the mines.

 

Cornucopia:

This word means ‘Horn of Plenty.’  Why would anything be put in a horn?  A horn is an instrument.  Or one of those things on rhinos.  I guess back in the day when Zeus and Hera walked the land (because of course there is so much evidence of them) they didn’t have handy tubs of Tupperware or other types of containers.  So they put all their lovely grapes and honeycombs into horns that they ripped off of rhinos.  Which might be why rhinos are endangered animals.  People have run out of Tupperware.

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Crosswords:

One of the best crossword solvers was a guy called Alan Turing, who solved the enigma codes in the Second World War.  Clearly it requires a deal of intelligence.  Why it does is another matter.  Surely it’s just a case of having a large vocabulary.  Being able to think of the right word though is more difficult than just being a walking dictionary.  Cryptic crosswords however is the realm of the genius.  Or so I thought.  All you have to do is know the rules – anagrams, using first/last letters, etc…

Like exams I think its just having the right technique.  And the right teacher.

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Cherubs:

Naked children in artwork in this generation would be scorned and rejected.  However in the paintings of the old masters they are present and flying around all over the place.  They even seem to be part of a religious order, dictating life on earth.  Was it God who bore these religious children?  Are they saints reincarnated?  Is this a version of heaven that refuses to be stereotyped and brought up to modern standards?  I hope, if after death, there are folk who take us in the afterlife that they are older and more experienced than babies.  I doubt God would want us to be ruled by red-cheeked winged children.

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Chimps:

Chimps are a strange bunch.  They can kill each other and eat them.  On the other hand, they even mourn their dead; sometimes even cleaning each others teeth when a member of their tribe die.  I think its slightly late for a bit of dentistry.  But it seems they can be cruel and they can also be kind.

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Dungeons:

People were sent here.  Underground so that people would not smell them.  Because being smelly was a prerequisite for those who lived in dungeons.  They dug holes precisely for this reason.  It seems cruel, but in the end we have developed deodorants and antiperspirants so that we don’t smell.  Perhaps one of those who lived in a dungeon wouldn’t have been left there if he had access to some nice smelling toiletries.

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Drambuie:

I don’t think I like the name of this drink.  Are we only allowed a dram each time we drink it?  I am outraged that I buy a product which limits me using it.  I should be able to drink as much or as little as I want.

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Dikê:

This was a concept in Ancient Greece whereby they would kill someone close to them to avenge their deaths.  This however would carry on each time, with relatives or friends eternally killing each other in revenge.  How they ever survived or developed into a powerful empire I have no idea.  Presumably it would take them many years each time to decide who was to do the killing and then to actually perform the deed.

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Dirndl:

Ladies in Germany and indeed Austria (who knows how far the dress has spread or where it will do) have a unique cultural garb.  Like the men who have to kill cows in order to make and wear their lederhosen, ladies in pubs or special occasions (who knows how special) must wear the Dirndl.  It was originally made for the peasants.  And now it is the chain-smoking waitresses.  How times have changed.

 

 

 

Explosives:
Why do things explode?  Is it just for the bang?  Just for a cheap thrill that can accidentally kill you?  Alfred Nobel invented TNT and his name has become synonymous with intelligence.  It must be pretty clever stuff.  I’m not sure he gets any royalties on it though.  He should have patented it.  I guess he wasn’t too smart after all.

 

Enemas:

Enemas come in many forms.  None pleasant though I imagine.  It is interesting to note that there is a distinction of medical profession that deals solely with the anus and bottom area, and of course the anal enema.  People must have had a twisted upbringing, where they grew to want to treat with the anus, possibly the most disgusting part of the human body.  And who invented it?  There must have been a lot of studies, trial and error or otherwise to choose exactly what liquid they pump inside you in order to see the layout of your organs (and I’m thinking your rectum ranks highly here.)  I’m not sure a reverse shit is particularly good for you either.  It’s supposed to go out not in.  Laxatives?