2017
27th June
We have invented a laser more powerful than the sun! Will it solve our electricity problems? Or is it the end of the world as we know it – if Blofeld nicked it, surely we would all end up in a tight spot. According to the Daily Mirror, it is a billion times brighter than the sun. No problems will happen with rogue Dr-Evils however. It’s just going to be used for better resolution on X-Rays and security systems. I am unsure as to what students are going to use theirs for in lectures when they are bored. Surely it can still blind the lecturer?
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16th June
Futuristic fruit and veg is on the way! Turning them into different shapes is the latest innovation from China. Star-shaped cucumbers, square apples and heart-shaped watermelon are just some of them. Valentine’s Day watermelon is presumably one of the benefactors. I have also heard of fruit and veg having their flavours changed instead to chocolate or popsicles so that kids would eat them. Banana bread and strawberry cake will now be more confusing or obsolete. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe they can grow someone’s head out of a melon and then Doctor Who might possibly find his nemesis – the mercurial fruitman!
On other fruit-related matters: there are more fruits being manufactured or found, beneath the oceans or on mars who knows? Exotic fruits such as the Dudhi, the Chow Chow, the Mooli, and the Ung Choi are some of the most unheard of.
All of this fruit-related science seems to come from the East – the land where gunpowder was invented but only used for fireworks. If they do forget the most beneficial of uses of their technologies the West will find a use for it.
There is a problem for small countries trying to export their fruit, but maybe if they invented an entirely new set of foods, intended presumably for 3 michelin starred restaurants, they might get some sort of subsidy, or at least a market for their crazy food. McDonalds here we come!
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13th February
Iceberg lettuces are not made from ice. If they were there would not be much nutritional value and salads would be considerably colder. However there are fewer of them around. There are less courgettes aswell. And Popeye will be miffed at the lack of spinach. For vegetarians the current shortage of veg must be a serious problem. Maybe they will start eating proper food, like steaks and fillet mignon. The thing is they are not even in season. You shouldn’t be eating them. Its unnatural. So is drinking cows milk. So is bungee jumping.
You can eat imported veg sent from Peru or South Africa – not via first class or even business. They would have been slumming it at the back, next to the crying babies. But it probably wouldn’t count as one of your five a day. The veg will probably have developed DVTs on the way over.
Advice is to eat different food, or become a farmer and grow your damn own.
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5th February
This is truly the golden age of science and health. We have never been healthier or more knowledgeable. Apparently people can live without a bum or a brain. Bums without brains is a normal and commonplace finding, but how long can we live, even if we do have a proper working body with bottoms and brains to spare? According to the Daily Mail, the first person to reach 150 is already living and soon we’ll reach a thousand. Now there’s going to be a real burden on the NHS. And Viagra will be compulsory.
And if we do get in an accident or are born without the requisite parts we can just grow the organs – on the backs of mice or in a test tube somewhere perhaps.
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31st January
Running will always be a bad idea. Particularly the pain involved. Even professional football players who get absurd amounts of money to do it, sometimes bunk off with terrible excuses. But now people want to abuse them. People have been chucking various vegetable items at runners who pass by. Whether they have targeted them or lain in wait with intricate plans made weeks before or not is questionable. One fellow in Cheltenham was attacked by a ‘drive-by spudding.’ Boyz n the Hood fades into the background when confronted with this sort of criminality.
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23rd January
Death by potatoes. Not the traditional roar of an army or even James Bond’s villain’s death cry. But nowadays crunchy, blackened potatoes or chips can give you the cancer which might kill you. Even well done toast can cut short your life. So we are urged to buy a new brand of non-lethal toaster and to cook our food to the exact colour and crispiness that will stop the Grim Reaper from knocking on our doors. Strange considering the thousands of recipes out there that they haven’t mentioned this yet. ‘Food colour science’ has caught up with us it seems. Indeed even the fridge is dangerous – maybe keeping our food in salt is best, who knows. The tests were performed on mice and rats, the traditional guinea pigs (which makes me wonder why guinea pigs are not used) causing them to develop tumours. Every day it seems there are more cancer risks out there unfortunately. Next we may have to drink strawberry milkshakes through the correct straw and at the exact temperature, whilst sitting in a bath. Or bake our cakes without sugar, eggs, butter and flour. Now that would be an interesting one.
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18th January
Cigarettes really are bad for you. Especially the ones that combine explosive chemicals with tobacco chemicals. A child could probably tell you smoking E-Cigarettes is a bad idea. Today it was reported an E-Cig blew up in a man's mouth, losing him seven teeth and suffering 2nd degree burns. If he lived in America he would already be in court. Over here I think he will just give up smoking. Particularly after he finished picking bits of plastic and teeth from his face, mouth and gums.
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3rd January
The world is polluted. So polluted kids are in danger of being outside in playgrounds or other areas where they could possibly breathe. Perhaps they should be given gas masks, but then people would complain that only the rich kids are given them, and the poor kids are condemned to respiratory illness. It would also mean a mass exodus from China, since they can now actually see the air and the smog that it has now become.
The Japanese have been dealing with this problem for years. They all wear masks when they’re outside, although a piece of paper seems a little unreliable and for a nation on the forefront of science you would have thought they would have at least stuck a couple of electrodes in there. However most people stay indoors most of the time over there, programming robots and playing computer games. Maybe we can just build a great big dome and all live inside it, where we would not be affected by pollution, or mosquitoes come to think of it. Then we wouldn’t notice the fact that we’ve killed a lot of the trees and the animals that live outside it.
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